A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the
den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my
ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
---------------------------------------------
Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And remember .......
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like
people are trying to make you mad, it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Now get back to work !!
-----------------------------------------
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on
a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the
boat sank.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks
her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here then
my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have
a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I
found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches;I wove
the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if
I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he
nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the
rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead,
dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank
you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's
not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina
Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and
they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories,
the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--strategically
positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to
sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering
closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been
lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She
stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean-- ?", he swallows excitedly,
"--I can check my e-mail from here...?"
--------------------------------------------
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is
filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for
everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you
can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was
looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance
exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough
test as it was.
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest. But, the test I have
has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week
begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in
a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over.
Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to
answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance
to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin
with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and
Tomorrow.
The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not
what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I
didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about
the next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk
about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could
you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second......."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in
mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can
you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody
knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which
art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......
God Bless You!
--------------------------------------------------------
The Cajun Chain Saw
Boudreaux was down at the Montgomery Wards at Northgate Mall looking at
the hand saws and the pas partouts(sp). The salesman came up and asked if
he could help. Boudreaux said he had a lot of trees to cut down and needed
a new saw. The salesman began to extoll the virtues and advantages of a
new Huskavera chain saw with a 42 inch blade and told Boudreaux that he
could cut dem trees down fast, fast. Boudreaux bought the saw and left,
only to return two days later telling the salesman that this was the
slowest saw he had ever heard of and that he had spent two days cutting
and had only manage to fell 10 trees. He wanted his money back. The
salesman was nonplussed and said, "Let me check dis tang out." He
proceeded to set the choke and pump the little plastic bulb, just as he
had told Boudreax to do. Then he set the throttle and jerked the cord.
The saw started immediately. Boudreaux jumped back and said "What the
hell is that noise?"
-----------------------------------
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and
listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living
room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop.
All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train
now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and
told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go
to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your
trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother
was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and
resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow
your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For
those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see
the bitch in the kitchen."
-----------------------------------------------------
There are these 3 kids on the ground and 3 army men in
an airplane,the first man on the plane takes a bite out of
an apple and says"This apple is bad.",and throws it out
the window. the second man takes a bite out of an orange and says
"This orange isn't ripe.",and throws it out the window.The third guy
gets a grenade and pulls the clip-----"This is a dud.", and throws it
out the window.
On the ground 2 kids are crying and 1 kid is laughing.
The kid thats laughing asks the first kid thats crying and
asks"Why yu cryin?"and the crying kid says "An apple fell outa thin
air and hit my head" The kid thats laughing says K and asks the second
crying kid"Why yu cryin? and he says "An orange fell outa thin air and hit
me on my head." Both kids that are crying asks the kid thats laughing
"Why you LAUGHING?" and HE says "I just farted and that building blew up.
---------------------------------------------------
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a
sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important
client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the
secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told
her, don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman
from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the
man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my
engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat
diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and
says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to
the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a
vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine
country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and
calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the
woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally
she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at
the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry
to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
--------------------------------------------------
Flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread
out his blanket and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should
stumble by but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?",
asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, all wrapped up in a blanket,
his nose running, eyes red and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down
here in some guys' mustache and he rode here on a motorcycle, nearly froze
my nuts off." wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said our
flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the
female flight attendants' lounge in the airport, see, and you get up on
a seat, and when an Air Florida flight attendant comes in, you just hop
on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" So, you can imagine our fleas'
surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and
comfy on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled
and haggard than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you
said, made it to the lounge and waited for a really cute red head to
come on in, aimed, jumped and made a perfect landing and got so warm
and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked our flea. "And the
next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!" =)
-----------------------------------------------------
Interspecies Communication Problems What A Woman Says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!" What A Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
----------------------------------------------
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with
her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her,calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding
that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary
send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of
your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied.
2) that there was plenty of heat.
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there
was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is,
indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please don't blame the landlady!
---------------------------------------
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking
around, she realized that all the pets were very expensive. She went to
the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet,
but all of yours are so expensive, " she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.
Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?! For a frog?!!" asked the woman.
The clerk explained, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well,
the woman didn't particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this
was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy,
and she'd never have to do that again! The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course,
the husband was skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that
night.
The woman went to bed that night, relieved knowing that she'd never have
to give another blow job.
Around two in the morning, she woke to hear pots and pans banging around in
the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to
the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen
table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?", she
asked.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to
cook, your ass is outta here!!!"
-----------------------------------
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee
listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will
be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole
got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of
morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches
of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park
your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from
his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of
snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your
cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest
of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now,
Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."
--------------------------------------
3 Tough MiceThree mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they
were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for
fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the
bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams
another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing.
I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun
of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a
shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other,
and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f*ck the cat."
--------------------------------------------
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed
a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see
how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committedby his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it
or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb,
laid it on the bench, and walked out.
----------------------------------------------
Cock Fight
Q: How can you tell if there's a Polack present at a cock fight?
A: Someone has entered a duck into the competition.
Q: How can you tell if there's an Coonass present at a cock fight?
A: Someone has bet on the duck.
Q: How can you tell if there's a lawyer present at a cock fight?
A: The duck wins.
-----------------------------------------------
An elderly Mr. Steinberg and the widow Joyce Cohen were sitting in the
lobby of a retirement home.
Mr. Steinberg, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars,
I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars,
I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take
you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of
passion you'll never forget."
Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her
purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
Mr. Steinberg says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
Joyce says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
-----------------------------------------------
Great Salesman
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.
In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was
a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss
liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come
and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock
came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make
today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss.
"Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars,"
said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold
him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. "I asked
him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would
probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and
sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said
his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to
the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all
that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of
Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you
may as well go fishing.""
------------------------------------
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness
to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring
and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass
bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had
flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but
soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing
to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
down town last fall and I found this little package It said to put it on
your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know,
I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"
--------------------------------------------
"Diary Of A Successful New Bride/Cook"
Dear Diary,
Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook
for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat
12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so
I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without
dressing." So, I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home
for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice." So, I heated some water and took a bath before
steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week.
I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I
hunted all over the garden by my Mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed
of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it.
Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients
in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my Mom's house! There
must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress
it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never
noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes.
I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he
counted to 10.
Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had
in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls
for roast. There must be a problem with the oven, because
it still came out a hamburger.
Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix well and knead well.
Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread
if I have to double in bulk!
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.
------------------------------------------------